Encounters
by bucketgirl55
Summary: When Tony Hill thinks that his brain tumour is back, he finds an old friend back in his life.


**Encounters: A Tony Hill Story**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own any of Val McDermid's "Wire in the Blood" characters, I just had a little fun with them.**

The metal steps felt cold on his bare feet. The wind was rustling his hair and played with his suit jacket. It cooled down his heated face. It felt good. Just one more step and he would reach the end of his path. Well, not quite the end - there still was the way down. Several stories down, in fact.

Tony looked up when he reached the ledge and the soles of his feet made contact with the rough concrete. He had a fantastic view over the city of Bradfield from up there. Everything looked so peaceful. No crime scenes, no photographs of mutilated and bloodied victims, no violence. Tony took a deep breath and felt a strange feeling spreading through his body. A feeling of peace and safety. He spread his arms and let the wind cool his heated body. He realised he was crying. Crying for all the families destroyed by the evil in this world. Crying for all the suffering he had witnessed. Crying for all the pain. And crying for the people he had lost. How easy it would be to end it all, right there and then. To end the nightmares, the helplessness, the loneliness. Just one more step. Or he could just let himself fall forward. It would be easy. Tony closed his eyes, spread his arms and listened to his own heartbeat, waiting for the perfect moment.

"Tony, don't!"

He opened his eyes again and frowned, but didn't turn around. He knew this voice, knew it better than his own almost. And one thing he knew just as well: the voice couldn't be here, on the roof of the hospital. The voice couldn't even be in Bradfield. He had lost the voice months ago, had screwed it up, just like he always ended up pushing people away that meant anything to him. And the woman to whom that voice belonged meant more to him that his own life. And like every woman that ever meant something to him, he had driven her away.

Tony took a deep breath, and forced his body to turn around. And there she was! The most beautiful and smart woman he had ever worked with. Detective Chief Inspector Carol Jordan. But it couldn't be! Carol couldn't be here in Bradfield, up on this roof with him.

It must be this bloody brain tumour being back, Tony concluded. He had been feeling it for a few days now. Driving headaches and now he even hallucinated. Even more reason to end it right there and then. He didn't want to go through all the tests and another brain surgery again. No thank you. That one time a few years back was enough to last him a life time. Tony shook his head as if to clear it from Carol's image and turned to face the abyss again. He closed his eyes and readied himself for that last, final step.

"Tony, for crying out loud, come down there!" he heard that all too familiar voice behind him again, closer this time and more urgent. Should Carol really care for him after all? He wondered. His own feelings towards here were so damn ambiguous! Whenever he thought he could get past that "yeah, I like you, but you're a colleague" stage, there was this pesky little but persistent voice inside his head. Telling him he didn't deserve such a fine woman as Carol. That he should stop dreaming and wake up to face reality.

Tony sighed deeply. This emotion thing was too damn distracting, never mind exhausting! Always trying to find the right tone, the right facial impressions that were expected from him. No, maybe it was really better to end it here. Heal the world of the tumour that was him. Always the quirky one, the one swimming against the tide, the one not really fitting in. Tony knew sometimes certain people laughed behind his back, seeing through the smoke screen of his professional expertise and seeing him for the fraud he was.

"I'm sorry Carol. But you're not really here. It's just that bloody tumour telling me you are. So I can't really listen to you, because you're just a fragment of my imagination. So excuse me, I'm needed elsewhere."

And with that, he readied himself to step forward.

"Where you think you're going?" Tony heard Carol yell and felt a yank back. He almost stumbled down the metal stairs, he was pulled back with so much force. For a moment or two, he was too shocked to even breathe. When his lungs decided to resume working properly, Tony took a few deep breaths. His whole body was trembling.

"Did I just try to off myself?" He wondered and scowled.

"Yes, you idiot, that's exactly what you were trying to do! Have you lost your mind completely now?!"

Carol. She was still there! Tony finally lifted his head and realised he was leaning onto her for support. Her hair was still the same colour of blond like the day she left, only she wore it much longer now. And it still smelled of lilacs. Suddenly, Tony longed to be with her, to stroke her golden hair, to hear her laugh at his stupid jokes. The feeling was so strong, it took him every effort not to wrap his arms around her and hold Carol tight.

Tony realized Carol was talking to him, so he told his emotions to get a grip and buried them deep in his mind where no-one could find those feelings.

"Hm?" Tony looked at Carol with his head tilted to one side, a question mark over his head. Although he had just been inches away from tossing himself off this roof, Carol smiled. She actually, genuinely smiled at him.

"That's more like it, Tony. I can talk till my mouth feels like the Sahara, and you don't even hear a word I'm saying because you're somewhere in that thick head of yours." She emphasized her point by tapping her index finger against his forehead. The second her skin touched his, Tony felt a jolt of electricity go through his whole body.

"Well, I'm glad to know some things didn't change." He managed a weak smile. His feelings for Carol were still strong, he was surprised at how strong those feelings still were. But she had abandoned him once. He had trusted her and then, puff, she was gone. Transferred. Tony couldn't even remember the reason, although someone had explained it to him. But it didn't matter why she went away or who explained her reasons to him. The fact remained that Tony had opened his very soul to her and she had nothing better to do than to take it, trample it and leave it to wither.

"Hello? Earth to Tony…"

Tony forced himself to focus again. He wanted to yell at Carol, as much as he wanted to cradle her in his arms only moments ago. He just didn't know how he felt or how he should react.

"Are you real?" He asked instead, a deadpan expression on his face.

"Course I'm real. Tony, it's me, Carol."

"Yes," he cut her off, "I'm well aware who you are, but how can I trust my senses? The brain tumour's back and who am I to say if you're here in flesh and blood or just a fragment of my vivid imagination?"

"Because then I couldn't do this," Carol returned and slapped his face. Tony was taken aback in shock and held his cheek.

"What was that for?" He whined.

Carol smiled. "You wanted to know if I was real. Well, does your face hurt?"

Tony nodded, his left cheek pulsating with pain.

"Does that answer your question, then?" She pointed down the stairs. "And can we get off from these metal stairs? Your feet must be killing you."

And suddenly, Tony became well aware that he wasn't wearing any shoes and that the metal cut into the soft flesh of his soles.

Without thinking twice, Tony looked up and found Carol's eyes focused on him. A tiny little voice inside his head started to scream, but he didn't care. For once, he didn't want to listen to that voice. He inched closer until, at last, his lips met Carol's. At first, she didn't react at all, but only a moment later, she leaned into the kiss and wrapped Tony in a fierce embrace.

Afterwards, Tony couldn't remember how he got down the roof, back to his flat and out of his clothes. All he remembered were kisses, touches and that longing feeling like a junkie who needed his fix. Was that it? Did he need his fix? Carol had been away for so long, it seemed they needed to make up for that lost time. But was his bedroom really the right place? Tony knew there had always been a feeling of…should he say it?...lust between them, a sexual tension that never fully went away and which neither of them wanted to acknowledge or act upon. So why now? Why were they in his bed, naked and apparently ready to go that last step? Why now indeed?

Not even a nanosecond after that thought had escaped his brain; he was back on the roof. Fully clothed. The only naked thing were still his feet. And they were beginning to feel damn cold. Tony frowned. That bloody tumour was worse than he thought when he had those lapses. He realized Carol was talking to him. Thank God, she was still there and he hadn't imagined her.

"…any idea where your shoes are?" He caught her last sentence.

Tony thought for a moment. Where had he put them? He looked around the area of the metal stairs, but they weren't there.

"Quite frankly, I have no idea," he admitted, frowning.

Carol smiled.

"Well, I'm glad some things didn't change." She helped him down the stairs and then they started searching for his black dress shoes.

Eventually, they found his shoes by the entrance door to the roof. Tony quickly put on his socks and shoes and instantly felt better now that his feet weren't freezing any longer.

"So, what made you come back to Bradfield?" He asked the inevitable question at last. Carol smiled.

"Well, the job they had offered didn't play out as I had imagined. And…" She paused as if unsure how to go on.

"Quite frankly, I missed you."

Tony jerked his head around, facing her. He hadn't expected so much honesty from her, not after she had just packed her bags and left. Left him.

"Why did you leave?" Tony tried hard not to sound like a pouting kid.

Carol sighed and avoided his gaze.

"I make you a deal. We get off this roof and get some coffee and I'll tell you. How about that?"

Coffee sounded very good at that moment and getting off that frightening roof sounded even better.

"Deal."

They opted against the hospital's cafeteria and rather drove a few minutes to a cafe they both used to go to before Carol had gone away.

The air was warm and sticky when they entered the small café. Other people were occupying tables and chatted away with friends. Carol and Tony ordered plain coffee and some cinnamon rolls at the counter and found a table at the window front. They sat down at the round table, which had a few scratches on its black surface, and prepared their coffees. They took their time, taking bites of their rolls. Silence stood between them. Tony didn't know how to begin. He was surprised at how at ease he felt with that silence though. He wanted to be angry at Carol, wanted to yell at her for abandoning him, but on the other hand he didn't want to appear like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum.

"So, why DID you come back?" Tony asked at last.

Carol chewed on her roll and he had to wait till she swallowed. She looked at him, smiling.

"I already told you. Because it didn't work out…"

"Yeah yeah, and because you missed me," Tony interrupted impatiently. Damn his professional alter ego! Why couldn't he take that at face value and leave it be? Because he cared about Carol and felt that there was something brewing underneath, something she wasn't telling.

"I know you, Carol. You wouldn't give up an international career for anyone, specially not some socially inapt nerd like me. So, what is it?"

Tony saw that he was spot on. Carol's face became serious, her eyes misty.

"Damn you, Tony," she whispered and angrily wiped away some tears. He could see how much she fought to keep up appearances, fought to keep it all together.

She sighed deeply.

"I came back because…" Her voice quivered.

"Because I'm pregnant."

Tony sat there, stunned. His mind went blank. He didn't know what to say or what to do, so he just stared at Carol. Pregnant. He couldn't wrap his mind around that bombshell of news.

"Say something, Tony, please…" she begged.

He swallowed the lump in his throat down and forced himself to smile. It was easier than he thought. And he found that he was genuinely happy for her.

"That is great news, Carol! You're gonna be a great Mum!"

Carol's mouth became a bright smile. "Remember, you said that to me before, once."

Tony thought back until the scene came back to his mind.

"Oh yes…you wanted to have sex with me on your desk. I remember," he grinned mischievously.

Carol reached over and took Tony's hand. She drew a deep breath and looked deeply into his blue eyes.

"Will you be the Dad to my Mum?"

If Tony was stunned before, he was mortified now. He; a father? He; the quirky, social outsider who should barely be allowed to live in his own – a caretaker of a tiny little human being? He blinked away his shock and forced himself to look at Carol. Lovely Carol. She simply didn't know what she was asking of him.

"Are you…," he croaked. Tony cleared his throat and tried again.

"Are you sure you want to ask me that?"

Carol cocked her head sideways.

"Tony, I wouldn't ask if I wasn't sure. I know you too, you know. Yes, you have your…special ways, but underneath that quirkiness, I'm sure there's a man that would be great as a Dad too."

She reached over and touched his chest, right over his heart. He hoped she wouldn't notice how much his heart sped. Because of what she asked of him, because she considered him to be father-material and because of the sheer fact that she was touching him. She had no idea how much he had longed for a touch like that during the years they had worked together. If he agreed, there would be more touches, more closeness.

"You don't deserve this, you can't be a father, you're not even grown up yourself!" Tony heard a little voice inside his head. He shoved it away with all his might. Okay, if they were doing this, they had to do it properly. And properly meant…

"Will you marry me then?"

"Now that's romantic," Carol mused and smiled.

"Well, you know me, I'm not one for beating round the bush," Tony returned, grinning.

It felt good to get back onto the familiar territory of friendly banter between them.

Was he imagining it or did Carol have a special glow in her eyes and face? From what little he knew about pregnant women, they usually had this special aura around them, a glow that seemed to come from deep within. He just never imagined Carol to be the type for a baby.

"So…how…when…?" he stammered.

"You mean how far along am I? About three months."

"And who…? Not me for sure."

"Tony, I don't know much about your sex life, but I doubt even you are that good," Carol laughed. And he couldn't help but join in. That was, until that pesky little voice inside his head starting putting him in his place again.

"Good?" It said. "You don't have a sex life to speak of. You wouldn't even know what to do if you got instructions."

Tony closed his eyes and willed that voice away. He must've looked weird, because suddenly, he felt Carol's hand on his and heard concern in her voice.

"You okay?"

He forced himself to open his eyes and concentrate on the woman opposite. He didn't know how, but he even managed a smile.

"It's just a bit of news to swallow," he returned and begged that voice inside his head to shut up.

"Tell me about it," Carol sighed. "I never thought I'd be a Mum."

"And you're really sure you want me anywhere near your baby?"

"Tony, stop it! Stop doubting yourself and take a leap of faith! Do you think I have any clue about what it means to be a mother?" Tony looked at her earnestly, detecting some hint of…what was it…fear?...in her voice. Carol had never struck him as someone who didn't know exactly what she was doing any day of the week. To hear that she was as clueless as he both reassured and terrified him at the same time.

"But you're a woman," he started lamely, but Carol quickly cut him off.

"Oh and that means I automatically know? Like I have some build in switch I can turn to magically become a mother? I don't think so Mister!"

Great, now he pissed her off. Well done, Tony. Really well done.

"That's not what I meant," he whispered lamely. He knew he'd blown his only chance of having a family right there and then.

"You know, you're right. This was a mistake," Carol said, grabbed her bag and stormed out of the café, leaving a dumbfounded Tony behind.

Tony woke the next morning, in his bed, all alone. He opened his eyes and sighed deeply. He had really screwed up the day before, no doubt about it.

"You're such a stupid fuck-up," he cursed himself.

"Told you," he heard that little voice inside his head again.

"Just shut up!"

"I didn't say anything."

That other voice made Tony jump out of his bed, reaching for something to use as a weapon. All he could come up with was a bottle of water. And even that was made of plastic.

"Oh Tony, who are you going to fight off with that?"

And now he saw who that additional voice belonged to.

In his doorframe stood Carol, dressed sharply as usual in dark blue denims and a white blouse.

"What…how…did we…are you…" Tony's head was blank, there was nothing, nada.

Carol laughed.

"Am I doing here? Alex called me, said you needed an old friend in your life. How? I took you home after Kevin found you in a pub, drunk as you could be. And did we? No, we didn't. And I don't know what I'm supposed to be, but chances are, no I'm not."

Suddenly, Tony was painfully aware that he stood there in his boxer shorts and vest, holding a plastic water bottle. Then came…what…disappointment? Yes, he was disappointed that nothing had happened. And then it hit him – the headache, the nausea and the dizziness. He practically ran passed Carol into the bathroom.

"Serves you right," Carol snickered and went to the kitchen to make him some coffee.


End file.
